Death and Denial

So I have been told it takes a year to fully morn the loss of someone close to you.....this is a lie.

It has been almost a year since we lost my Dad, I remember it well, the phone call from my step mom telling me Dad was back in the hospital again, then the daily updates from my sister who was there for a visit, telling me things just did not look good. I was in Alamosa training for my job and debating if I could wait until the weekend to go home, knowing full well I had better get there soon, the day before my birthday my sister called and said they are taking Dad's breathing tube out, we are not sure if he will breath on his own without it, so I went to the company told them I had to leave got in my car and drove all night long, my sister called every couple hours to update me, and when I was not on the phone with her I was praying with everything I had, please do not let Dad die on my birthday, I already am not a big fan of my birthday how will I ever face it again if I loose Dad on that day, then I decided that was selfish so I just prayed he would live until I got home.( I wanted to believe he would get better and go home and live many more years, but something in me told me this was not going to happen) I pulled into the hospital at 2am, the nurses had agreed to let me into the intensive care no matter what time I got there, when I walked into his room he was sleeping and I remember thinking how will I ever live without him. When he woke up and saw me there he wanted me to take him home, of course no doctor will release a patient a 230am, so we visited for a bit and then I left him to go sleep for a couple hours, later that morning we were able to take him home with hospice, they came and set up a bed for him in the living room and we took turns watching him to make sure he did not try to get up on his own, that first night my step mother slept on the couch to keep an eye on him, the next night I told her I would sleep in there so she could try to get some sleep, by then I think she was just so exhausted and I was getting worried about her health, I watched him most of the night and finally fell asleep, the next thing I remember my step mother was waking me up to say something was not right, he did not look well, she touched him and her face just fell, he was very cold and barely breathing, the rest of the morning is a blur to me, I remember sitting on the edge of the bed holding his hand, at some point I called my sister to tell her she better get there now, and looked up to see my Aunt and brother were in the room with us, I guess Bonnie had woken them up. We sat with Dad until he took his last breath, I cannot tell you how that feels, I was with Steve's mom when she died and I remember how hard it was, but this was my Dad the man I thought ruled the world, the pain was indescribable. My Dad left us on June 26th (my nephews birthday) the next few days were full with arrangments and details to be taken care of, this is a good thing because it keeps your mind off of things, my brothers and sisters and I all came together to try and make things as easy as possible for Bonnie, she became our priority and this got at least me through, she needed us and we needed to make sure she was as okay as she could be.

A few days after the funeral I headed home to Colorado, I have not been back. I think I should go home, but in truth I know that when I go I will have to face the reality that my Dad is not there anymore, now I can "pretend" someplace in my mind that he will be waiting there at the kitchen table when I go home next, I can try to think he is only a phone call away, and I can continue to live in my state of denial.

However now we are aproching the a year since we lost him and I am planning a trip home in August. We are having a family reunion for my Mom's side of the family, I told my cousin whose families turn it is to plan it I would come home this year, and I know I need to go, there are still people I love there and if I do not go home I am passing up the moments with them that I will someday regret not taking.

I have signed up for every extra hour I can get at work next week, plus I have put off two term papers for school until then so I can stay as busy as I can then, trying not to dwell on things. If you are lucky enough to have your parents still take my advise and treasure every moment, do not put off a visit or phone call for any reason, trust me I am living proof that you will regret it when it is to late. And taking that advise upon myself I am trying to prepair for my first trip home, my Mom, my step Mom, my grandparents, one sister and some of my brothers as well as Aunts, Uncles, nieces and nephews are there, I love them and I know I need to see them. I feel everyday for Bonnie, Robert and Mandy, they have had to face reality everyday for the last year, they could not pretend because they were right there, faced with the reality of Dad being gone, somehow they have managed to go no matter how hard it has been, I think my Dad would be proud of them.
And back to the lie, it has been almost a year and the pain is every bit as real as it was that day, it has not gotten one bit easier, I miss my Dad, I want him back.