Friday, February 26, 2010

Things are not always what they seem

I had a sad coverstation with a friend awhile back, she is depressed (though I would have never know) we are new friends so I did not notice anything different about her but I was glad she broke down and told me how she was feeling...I encouraged her to see a Dr maybe get some medication to help balance things and to call anytime she wants or needs to talk.  During our conversation she said to me, "you have it all together, you do so much I feel like I should be able to do all that too".
I am not one to share my own problems, worries etc. I am great at listening, trying to help others, I try not to judge people and I truly feel for them when they are having problems, and I am very good at pretending my life is always great, that I have the balance I need and that I am able to manage everything I need to, but things are not always as they seem.
I told her to be honest most days I feel like my life is spinning out of control, work consumes me daily, I get phone calls at home with things that need to be taken care of when I am not there (that is okay that is part of the job) we have been short staffed for so long that I have been picking up hours whenever needed to a point where I sometimes feel my family has suffered because of it, then comes the guilt, I feel guilty I am not being as much of a hands on Mom as I should be,  I am not able to spend the amount of time I need to with the kids, I feel I am not here enough for my husband, I am so close to finishing school that I want to consentrate on that but again that takes away from everything else, so I just squeeze it in when I can and I don't feel like I am giving it all I should be.  I feel like so much of the FRG stuff I agreed to help with gets laid out on the other leader because I have so much else going on.  Take all that and add to it financial stress and worries, and there are many due to things that happened some time ago but has snowballed down and makes it hard to manage some weeks.  Then there is the upcomming deployment, I support Richards service and know he wants to and will deploy, I have no doughts it will be hard but we will survive it just fine, but it is still stressful I already feel I can't keep up with him here to help me what will I do when he is not here.  My company decided they are not staying here so now I am faced with not having a job or going to the other company, and that issue is a whole other post!  No matter what I choose it will mean less money, but maybe better hours.
I am depressed, stressed and having days I do not want to get up and try again, stress and lack of sleep agrivate my fybromialgia to a point where it becomes almost unbearable, I live each day at about a 6 on the pain level scale, that has become normal for me, when the pain gets worse than that it makes for a long nasty day.  I have such a hard time getting treatment because it means admiting to the doctors that I am having problems and it is so hard for me to admit that.
I still am having such a hard time with the death of my Dad and my friend Becky, I am stuck in the denial process of grieving and cannot let myself move past that, I think if I try to come to accept they are gone, then I will just have a total breakdown so when I start thinkig about it I just have to push it away to deal with another day, a day that never comes.
So there you have I am just human even when I want to pretend I can do everything,  I don't have it all together as much as I wish I did, and most of the time I cannot even take the time to try and figure out how to make it better.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

California part2

While we were in California we took a ferry ride out to Alcatraz and toured the prision, it was a very interesting tour, one that I have wanted to take for a long time.we took a audio tour of the island, it was pretty interesting, we got to hear all the escape attempt stories while seeing where they actually took place.  I was suprised some of the prettiest gardens I have seen were out on the island, we walked around them when we were done inside the buildings.After our tour we of course had to go back down the warf to check out the street perfromers etc. here are jennie and I with a couple of them.On Sunday my sister and her husband happened to be in the general area bidding a job so they meet up with us in Lodi where Jennie lives and we went wine tasting.  70% of the grapes used in Napa Valley wine are grown in Lodi so that was neat, we were able to go to some working wineries and learn about how it is all done.
Later that day we went to a super bowl party at some of Jennie and Troys friends house, they were very nice and welcomed us right in, we had great food and lots of fun.  the next day before we headed home we drove up to a small town in the mountains wandered the little shops, had lunch, saw Mark Twains cabin and just enjoyed a quiet afternoon, it was really nice.  I am glad we decided on California for our trip, it cost next to nothing thank to Jennie and her family and we were able to do a lot of really nice things, relax and enjoy ourselves...always a big plus on vacation!

Friday, February 19, 2010

What to do???

so my company that told us they were staying on up and changed their minds and announced a couple days ago that our last flight will be April 7th, well needless to say I was pretty unhappy but figured ok that is the way it goes, I figured I would take my severence package and then figure out what to do next.  Then the new Eagle GM caught me in the parking lot and asked if I would stop in and talk to him, turns out my boss now gave him a raving review on me told him I was the best employee they have (that was nice to hear) and now he is asking me to please take a supervisor position with Eagle, I had not been to thrilled with the whole American Eagle experience so going to work for them had not been in my plans, but he made a good pitch, offered some things I like... a four day work week with nights off for one, continued flight benefits that I really like, so I told him I would fill out the paperwork and then we could talk more, so far I have seen him be able to make some much needed changes that none of us had been able to get prior to now, so it may work out.  We have not talked money yet, I do know they start at less than I make but since I do not need medical benefits I may be able to negotiate some.
I really do need to be home with my kids more, and feel like I am spending quality time with my family so the hours would be nice, I don't know we will see, I figure options are good, time will tell how it all works out.

Friday, February 12, 2010

California Part 1

Richard and I just returned from our anniversary trip to california, our original plan was to go to San Francisco, but after talking to a friend of mine from Jr high/high school it turned out her house is only 1 1/2 hours from there, so we ended up staying with them and driving into the city, it worked out great she picked us up from the airport, we did not have to pay for a hotel or rental car and we fly for free so nice inexpensive trip.
The first night we went to dinner at a great pizza place with her Mom and the whole family, it was great to see everyone and catch up, the next morning we went into the city did Pier 39, fishermans warf, rode the cable cars, lots of sight seeing, it was really fun.  Richard was thrilled to eat fresh sea food, I loved the people watching, there is certainly a lot of very different people there!
This was the very beginning of the day at the warf, and then here we are on our first cable car ride, that was an experience up and down the VERY steep streets of San Francisco.

Good News I think

We recieved official notification that American had hired thier own GM and intend to take back the contract and run their own ground servicing at work, also got official word that Great lakes is not pulling out (there was rumor they might after march) so everyone had to decide if they wanted to keep their jobs or try to go with American, most of them chose to try and stay with American, but all along I said I would stay with lakes, they have been good to me, I miss the days when it was just them and my job was bolth fun even on the stressful days, that is not to say American was all bad, it was not just created a different atmosphere with everyone.  We have three weeks left now of running both sides then we split, yesterday Nathan and I worked on our Lakes schedule and I think it will work out, I will move to primarily EARLY mornings but will then be off in the early afternoon, so more evenings to spend with the kids and that is becoming a issue right now I am not seeing them nearly enough so I am excited for the change.