Thursday, November 18, 2010


I think possibly since he was worried I would have a nervous breakdown (and I well might have) Richard has decided to post pone his trip to Walter Reed until March.  I am happy with this for a few reasons, most of all because that means he will be here during all the crazy stuff we have going on in December. 
It is hard sometimes when you are in the military, so many decisions are out of your hands, you quit literally get told what you will do and when, so when there is an opportunity to make a decision on your own it is nice, I guess that is how I saw this whole DC ordeal, I needed him to choose to be here with me, he needed me to tell him what I needed, somehow we managed to figure that out, after many days of I am barely speaking and when I am it is full of tears and depression, I feel better, he feels better and it helped us get some other things out, lead us to making some other major decisions that we needed to talk about.
The biggest being we have finally set a retirement date, we had been tentatively thinking off October 2012 since that is when he basically has to retire unless he promotes again, now we have decided he is going to put in his packet now asking to retire one year earlier so October of 2011, he will have done 22 years by then, long enough we think, given all that has happened in the last year I think we are ready to go somewhere we choose to go and to feel like we are building a life someplace we can stay.  The girls are getting older and will be in high school so we would like them to be someplace they do not have to worry about having to move from, we would like to buy a house and not still be paying on it when we are 80!  So it feels like the time is right, it is a scary and exciting decision, the Army has been good to him and to me as well, there are definite positives to the life style but I look forward to the next step.
Of course he has to request retirement, they can say no, he could be promoted in January and then we would have to re evaluate again but for now it is nice to be making plans and looking at all our options

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Walter Reed round two

I find myself riddled with guilt this week and I must say I just don't like it.
A few weeks ago Richard and I traveled to Washington DC to Walter Reed, he had a week long evaluation for "unexplained" illnesses.  I was pleased and disappointed with the trip, first I was hoping we would get more answers than we did, I guess they truly mean it when they say unexplained, but I was also pleased, they offer a three week session they wanted to sign him up for that consists of helping cope with the illnesses, stress and pain reliving etc, it also ensured that all his medical issues are being well documented prior to retirement.
He received a phone call a few days ago saying they found a spot for him in the November/December session, I had not expected it to be so soon since they told us when we were there that that one was pretty full but there was also a March session, I guess somehow in my head I expected the March one, but instead they offered him a spot coming right up.
The guilt now comes from the fact that I am a nervous neurotic wreck since he told me the dates, he will be gone for a very important court date for some terrible things that happened to our daughter last year, I am having a terrible time even contemplating going to court alone, the thought is making me physically ill, I feel like this is a time when I need him more than ever and he will not be here.  I have had a couple friends offer to fly out and go with me, and I have no dought that if I asked any one of my brothers, sister or Mom they would come, but somehow it is not the same as having him there, he really is my rock.
I woke up at 3am this morning realizing that on top of that he will miss all the pre holiday stuff I love so much, we will be moving right in the middle of him being gone (that I am really fine with doing alone) but then he will miss picking out and putting up a tree, decorating, there will be no outside lights this year, he will miss my company Christmas party and the Holiday events we have planned for his company, we will most likely miss the Saint Barbara's day ball, he will leave right after Thanksgiving and be home right before Christmas, everything in between will be gone, that is my favorite time of the year, for awhile we thought he was going to be deployed and when we found out he would not be I was so excited that he would be home with us for all the "holiday" fun, now he won't be.
We just found out he will not be able to go home with me in January or on our year long planned trip to take the kids to Disney land because of some Army training, and while I am disappointed about that I am OK with it, I know that is how it goes and I accept that, but somehow this is different, I think because I know there was another session later (and maybe it was full I don't know) because I feel like I had no say in this time frame and because right now I am already so depressed all the time I am not OK with this one.
So now I feel guilty, I know he would stay here with me if I asked him to, but I also know he wants to go to this session or he would not have said yes when they offered it to him, he took the time to call the court and make sure he did not have to be there, he made arrangements for me to be able to sign for the new house, he has covered all his bases and I know he wants to go, and I agree he needs to go, I WANT him to go just not now, but if he stays for me I will feel guilty, I realize that reason I have for wanting him to stay starts with ME, and that is not fair, this is about him as well and what he needs, so I suppose I will get over it, make the best of it and with any luck even be able to take a small trip with the girls and go see him while he is there, in the meantime I just want to stop feeling so guilty about everything all the time!