I find myself riddled with guilt this week and I must say I just don't like it.
A few weeks ago Richard and I traveled to Washington DC to Walter Reed, he had a week long evaluation for "unexplained" illnesses. I was pleased and disappointed with the trip, first I was hoping we would get more answers than we did, I guess they truly mean it when they say unexplained, but I was also pleased, they offer a three week session they wanted to sign him up for that consists of helping cope with the illnesses, stress and pain reliving etc, it also ensured that all his medical issues are being well documented prior to retirement.
He received a phone call a few days ago saying they found a spot for him in the November/December session, I had not expected it to be so soon since they told us when we were there that that one was pretty full but there was also a March session, I guess somehow in my head I expected the March one, but instead they offered him a spot coming right up.
The guilt now comes from the fact that I am a nervous neurotic wreck since he told me the dates, he will be gone for a very important court date for some terrible things that happened to our daughter last year, I am having a terrible time even contemplating going to court alone, the thought is making me physically ill, I feel like this is a time when I need him more than ever and he will not be here. I have had a couple friends offer to fly out and go with me, and I have no dought that if I asked any one of my brothers, sister or Mom they would come, but somehow it is not the same as having him there, he really is my rock.
I woke up at 3am this morning realizing that on top of that he will miss all the pre holiday stuff I love so much, we will be moving right in the middle of him being gone (that I am really fine with doing alone) but then he will miss picking out and putting up a tree, decorating, there will be no outside lights this year, he will miss my company Christmas party and the Holiday events we have planned for his company, we will most likely miss the Saint Barbara's day ball, he will leave right after Thanksgiving and be home right before Christmas, everything in between will be gone, that is my favorite time of the year, for awhile we thought he was going to be deployed and when we found out he would not be I was so excited that he would be home with us for all the "holiday" fun, now he won't be.
We just found out he will not be able to go home with me in January or on our year long planned trip to take the kids to Disney land because of some Army training, and while I am disappointed about that I am OK with it, I know that is how it goes and I accept that, but somehow this is different, I think because I know there was another session later (and maybe it was full I don't know) because I feel like I had no say in this time frame and because right now I am already so depressed all the time I am not OK with this one.
So now I feel guilty, I know he would stay here with me if I asked him to, but I also know he wants to go to this session or he would not have said yes when they offered it to him, he took the time to call the court and make sure he did not have to be there, he made arrangements for me to be able to sign for the new house, he has covered all his bases and I know he wants to go, and I agree he needs to go, I WANT him to go just not now, but if he stays for me I will feel guilty, I realize that reason I have for wanting him to stay starts with ME, and that is not fair, this is about him as well and what he needs, so I suppose I will get over it, make the best of it and with any luck even be able to take a small trip with the girls and go see him while he is there, in the meantime I just want to stop feeling so guilty about everything all the time!
This has to be very difficult. Sometimes you just need someone to be there, and the emotional support is needed. When Makae had her first suicide attempt Shawn was in France, and I couldn't get a hold of him. Mom offered to come to the hospital, but I didn't want to bother her. It wasn't that I needed someone, but that I needed the emotional support of Shawn, and it just wasn't there. I never though I would get through that week till he made it home. It isn't that we can't do or won't, but that their presence makes it easier some how. I really get that. I really will pray for you and hope that it all goes well for Cheyenne, You, and Richard. It's not the same, but we are always sending our thoughts and prayers of support. Can you maybe webcast with him for some holiday things? It would be nice if you could go out to be with his as a family for a bit.
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